A Change Of Heart

I wish that I could say that God changed my heart about having a family as quickly as He did about having a husband. But alas, No, it took many years.

My Sandy loves children. He always has. He is so good with them and they love him. I have many times throughout the years wondered how one gets to feel that way about children. I mean ... I just didn't understand it...because there was nothing in me that ever felt that way. It's not that I had any bad feelings towards children...it's just that there was nothing in me that ever said.... I want one of those....at least not seriously or for very long.

Sometimes I felt like the Grinch....my heart about that was three sizes to small.

About four years ago God decided it was time to start working on changing my heart about having children. It all began with a phone call asking if I would teach the 3-4 year old's class on a Wed. night because the teacher was going to be out. Now to most people that would have been an easy job to do....but for me it was the last thing I wanted to do on a Wed. night or any other time. But God knowing that there was no way that I could or would say no to my dear friend Jo...started the change in my heart right here.

It wasn't long until I was co-teaching this little class on Wed. nights. I am going to be honest and say that a lot of the time I didn't like doing it at all. However, there were always those times when those little kids would look at me and my heart would melt and I would think....hum...they are so darn cute : 0)

As time went on God really began to convict my heart on where I was with the family thing. I really felt like I was letting Sandy down. He never made me feel that way at all. I was just becoming more and more aware that my heart was in the wrong place.

I began to really look at the deeper issues of why I felt the way I did. I had always had an idea what it was all about. I just didn't know how to get to the core of it. I talked to my good friend Dewey, who was my Pastor at the time. Dewey suggested that I go see a counselor and try to get to the bottom of the issue. Being the stubborn woman that I am I told him I would not and could not go spill my guts to someone I did not know. Well, Dewey being Dewey and one of the few people in my life that I let tell me what to do said....then you will talk to me about this. Be in my office at 5:15 on Tuesday. That was the beginning of many meetings, emails, and hours of long and often heart wrenching talks to finally find the bottom of this heart issue.

It didn't take Dewey or I long to figure out where the lack of desire for children came from. Dewey is an awesome counselor and he knew the right questions to ask. He asked me all the hard questions and he kept asking until I answered every single one from the very depth of my heart. Because of the trust that he and I share I was able to completely share my heart and my life story with him. In the end...over about a two year period....God did two amazing things for me. He gave me one of the dearest friends of my life and He gave me the desire to have a family.

I am not going to go into the issues that we found out or why they effected me the way that they did. Those things are deeply personal and will be told only on a one on one basis.

I do want you to know that the reason I never wanted to have children has never had anything to do with Sandy. Sandy is the greatest gift from God I have ever been blessed with. He is an incredible man who loves God and he loves me. His heart belongs to me and mine belongs to him and the love we share is the definition of true love to me. He is my best friend, my lover, and the keeper of my heart. My love for Sandy is the only reason I ever wanted God to change my heart about having a family.

Next up.....A Walk By The River

The Story Begins......

This story....like most good or bad stories should start at the beginning..... but this story actually starts somewhere around the beginning . Sometimes there is a story within a story and that is what you are going hear in this post. My part of a story within a much bigger story that is not mine to tell.

I think I was around 16 the first time I realized I didn't want to have a family. I'm not talking about parents or siblings or the immediate type family. I'm talking about not wanting to have a future with a husband.....children.... white picket fence... not even a ....DOG family. I was at a point in my life where I really felt insecure about the whole idea of family. My family had recently went through the pains of a divorce. Being the youngest child I spent my time going back and forth between my parents. Even though I was greatly supported and loved and always taken care of I never really felt like I belonged anywhere. I had a lot of trust issues. I put up a lot of walls and and barriers between myself and most people. I pretty much felt like I could stand on my own. With the exception of some really close friends, relationships were not something that I put a lot of stock or effort into.

As I continued to grow up and move forward in my life these feelings really didn't change much for a really long time. I had become a very independent do things my way type person. I had a pretty tough exterior and it took a really long time for me to let people get close to me. I can say though that if you made it through that tough exterior you had the most loyal of friend in me.

I know looking back now as an adult that all of that was just a way of protecting myself from getting hurt.... or from self perceived hurt. I knew and realized many times that the feelings that I had were not what my Heavenly Father wanted for my future....but I just didn't know how to or want to lay them down after so many years.

So my Heavenly Father sent me the one I needed to tear the walls down.

The turning point in my life is meeting up again with my Sandy. Sandy has been my friend since I was in the 8th grade. He was my friend when all the stable consistent things in my life fell apart. He was always there with a tender hug and a loving heart when this lost little girl needed him.

Sandy and I meet up again after losing touch for several years when I was in college and he was working in Atlanta. We happened (really it was a God ordained meeting) to both be home for the weekend and visiting our childhood church when we found each other again. That became a life changing moment for both of us. It was the beginning of a great love story and it was the beginning of teaching my heart what the love of a man and family are all about.

I said before I was tough and had a tough exterior.... but it only took a few phone calls and one incredible date to know that Sandy was my soul mate and that he would be my forever love. In fact, God told me at the end of our first date that I would marry Sandy. Seven months later we were engaged and 10 months after that we were married. Sandy is my very best friend and the true love of my life. He has consistently loved me, prayed for me, taken care of me, and taught me who God is and what the love of a man is all about. His love for me has taught me that trust is real and that walls come down when love overcomes fear.

It's been over 16 years since God changed my heart about having a husband....it took many many more years before He began to change my heart about having a family.


The story continues......

WE ARE ABOUT TO GET REAL

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

(Taken from "The Velveteen Rabbit" )

Sometimes being Real hurts. Sometimes it really hurts a lot. But being real makes you beautiful inside and out. Becoming real for me is and has been a really hard road. Being real means becoming who and what God wants me to be even when I don't understand Him or the process to get there. Being real means seeing myself truly the way I am and hopefully by the time I become completely "real" I will see myself as He really sees me and I will see Him as He really is.

I am about to get really real with all of you on this blog. I am going to tell you the story of great growth and great pain. This will be an on going story and the moods will change as often as the pages of a good book. It won't always be easy to read. It may often be painful in fact. But it will be very very real and it will be the complete truth of how God is growing me and making me the woman he wants me to be.

Please understand as we go along and you read this in process story that I am not looking for your sympathies. I do not expect you to have the answers I am looking for. I know that those answers will only come from God in His perfect time. I am going to write this story to help bring healing to myself and hopefully to others as the story unfolds. In the end may we all look back and see what God has done and give Him great glory because we have all become a little more real and because as is His promise.....He worked it all out for our good.

Come back soon and hold on tight .... the story is about to begin......