October 27, 2009

A Change Of Heart

I wish that I could say that God changed my heart about having a family as quickly as He did about having a husband. But alas, No, it took many years.

My Sandy loves children. He always has. He is so good with them and they love him. I have many times throughout the years wondered how one gets to feel that way about children. I mean ... I just didn't understand it...because there was nothing in me that ever felt that way. It's not that I had any bad feelings towards's just that there was nothing in me that ever said.... I want one of least not seriously or for very long.

Sometimes I felt like the heart about that was three sizes to small.

About four years ago God decided it was time to start working on changing my heart about having children. It all began with a phone call asking if I would teach the 3-4 year old's class on a Wed. night because the teacher was going to be out. Now to most people that would have been an easy job to do....but for me it was the last thing I wanted to do on a Wed. night or any other time. But God knowing that there was no way that I could or would say no to my dear friend Jo...started the change in my heart right here.

It wasn't long until I was co-teaching this little class on Wed. nights. I am going to be honest and say that a lot of the time I didn't like doing it at all. However, there were always those times when those little kids would look at me and my heart would melt and I would think....hum...they are so darn cute : 0)

As time went on God really began to convict my heart on where I was with the family thing. I really felt like I was letting Sandy down. He never made me feel that way at all. I was just becoming more and more aware that my heart was in the wrong place.

I began to really look at the deeper issues of why I felt the way I did. I had always had an idea what it was all about. I just didn't know how to get to the core of it. I talked to my good friend Dewey, who was my Pastor at the time. Dewey suggested that I go see a counselor and try to get to the bottom of the issue. Being the stubborn woman that I am I told him I would not and could not go spill my guts to someone I did not know. Well, Dewey being Dewey and one of the few people in my life that I let tell me what to do said....then you will talk to me about this. Be in my office at 5:15 on Tuesday. That was the beginning of many meetings, emails, and hours of long and often heart wrenching talks to finally find the bottom of this heart issue.

It didn't take Dewey or I long to figure out where the lack of desire for children came from. Dewey is an awesome counselor and he knew the right questions to ask. He asked me all the hard questions and he kept asking until I answered every single one from the very depth of my heart. Because of the trust that he and I share I was able to completely share my heart and my life story with him. In the end...over about a two year period....God did two amazing things for me. He gave me one of the dearest friends of my life and He gave me the desire to have a family.

I am not going to go into the issues that we found out or why they effected me the way that they did. Those things are deeply personal and will be told only on a one on one basis.

I do want you to know that the reason I never wanted to have children has never had anything to do with Sandy. Sandy is the greatest gift from God I have ever been blessed with. He is an incredible man who loves God and he loves me. His heart belongs to me and mine belongs to him and the love we share is the definition of true love to me. He is my best friend, my lover, and the keeper of my heart. My love for Sandy is the only reason I ever wanted God to change my heart about having a family.

Next up.....A Walk By The River