Happy 17th Anniversary Sandy

Dearest Sandy,

17 years ago today I married my very best friend. My blue eyed boy, the man of my dreams, and the keeper of my heart....my Sandy. It rained that day and people said that means good luck. I knew I didn't need luck because I had already been given the greatest gift of all...I had you to love me.

We have been through a lot in the last 17 years and we have grown up together. You have taught me what real love is and how a man should love his wife. You have taught me about family, faithfulness, and trust. You have shown me that lifetime commitments are not only possible but wonderful. You have helped me grow as a woman and as a person. You have allowed me to be me and good or bad you have loved through it all. You have even carried me many times when I didn't have the strength to stand on my own.

I am not only lucky....I am blessed by God to share my life with you.

Thank you for being the keeper of my heart and for keeping it well. You are my strong warrior and my sweet prince and I adore you with everything in me.

Happy Anniversary!

Love,

Me

Here are 17 things that I love about Sandy.

1) Sandy is a godly man. He knows where his strength comes from. He does his very best to honor our heavenly Father and he honors me as his wife. He is a wonderful Christian. He loves God and he loves to go to church. He loves our church and is very involved in it. He loves to sing praises as part of the choir. He is our treasurer and keeps our finances in line. He loves to pray for others and he prays for me. He is a righteous and honorable man.

2) He loves me no matter what. On those days when I am a wonderful wife he loves me...and on those days when I'm anything but wonderful....HE LOVES ME. I have never doubted even one time that Sandy is completely in love with me. I need to feel that way and I'm so thankful for Sandy who shows me every single day how much I am loved.

3) He is romantic. He loves doing special things with me. There is always time for candlelight, music, quiet dinners, snuggling, teddy bears, flowers, limo rides, cabins, fireplaces, hot tubs, picnics, walks on the beach, and......... all that other fun stuff :-) He always makes me feel special and loved.....and happy to be his girl.

4) He takes good care of me. He provides well for us and always makes sure our needs are met. He works hard and gives his best. He takes classes to improve his knowledge and help grow his business. He takes care of everything from my car to my heart...and he does all of it well.

5) Sandy has a tender heart. I call him my tender heart bear. He cares about people and animals. He loves babies and little children. He makes everyone around him feel special and important...no matter how young or old they are . He is always willing to help someone in need. He is man enough to cry with me, or for me, or for others. He is a lover all the way to his soul.

6) Sandy is smart. My man is a thinker. He likes to read and study. He is good with numbers....and that's just plain sexy. He can figure things out when I don't even know where to start.

7) Sandy is a wonderful cook. He grew up working in his family's restaurants. He can make something wonderful out of nothing and you will clean your plate and ask for more. I love that he cooks more that I do and he does it well and with a giving heart.

8) Sandy takes care of his family. He is very close to his parents and his brother. He is always looking out for them with business and personal things. He is the their go to guy when they need help or direction and he never lets them down.

9) Sandy is a Florida football fan. He let me convert him to Gatorism. He watches football with me every Saturday in the fall. He lets me plan our schedule around football games. He yells at the TV with me during the games. He takes me at least once a year to whatever state we have to go to to watch the Gators play in person.

10) Sandy loves my family. He is always willing to do all the "family" stuff with me. He is good to all of them. He takes extra special care of my mom.

11) Sandy has the best laugh. I love to hear and watch him laugh. His eyes just sparkle and his whole face lights up. It makes me laugh when he laughs....it's contagious joy. It makes me smile inside just thinking of it.

12) Sandy likes to travel with me. I am a born traveler and need to get away often. Sandy is always game to go wherever I want to go. He lets me make the plans....and he drives the car. I love that. Sandy also has a great sense of direction. He can go somewhere one time and he will always remember how to get back there. I think that is so great because I rarely remember how to get anywhere outside of our town. I can sit back and enjoy the ride with Sandy because I know he will get us where we need to be.

13) Sandy is a great friend. He loves all of our "adopted" brothers and sisters and friends. He would do anything for any one of them. He loves to be with his "boys" and knows I need time with my "girls". Anytime we are all together...is even better.

14) Sandy remembers dates. My birthday ( Oct 19th), our anniversary (June 12th), our engagement day (Aug 15th), our first grown-up date (Jan 18th). (I remember too!!!! ) He never forgets any of them...and never has. Love that!!!

15) Sandy still completely owns my heart. He loves me, he cherishes me, he makes me feel loved, honored, and safe. He is mine....heart, body, and soul. I trust him with all my heart.

16) Sandy is a great hugger!! He has strong arms and when those arms are around me I feel completely safe and warm and protected. I love to put my head against his chest and heart and linger in that place of complete rest. That is the only place in my life that I feel that safe and free all at the same time. Being in Sandy's arms is for me the same feeling I think I would have sitting on God's lap.... at least, that's the closest comparison my mind can make.

17) Sandy is my very best friend. He is the one I never have to doubt for even an instant. He is faithful, devoted, and true to me. He always has been. I love watching the world through his eyes and I love walking this journey with him.

That's just 17 reasons out of 1,104,609,432 reasons I love Sandy.

Sandy (My Groom), I'm proud to be your wife.

Forever & Always....And then some....I LOVE YOU!!!

Your Bride,

Tammy

A Life Changing Phone Call

Almost 3 weeks after I had this last test I came home to a message on the answering machine from my Doctor. He just said he had the results of the test and to please give him a call.

My initial thought was these two things.....1 ) if it was good news he would have left it on the machine.... and 2) HE SOUNDED VERY DOWN..... !!

The next day I tried to call and he was out of the office for the day. So on Friday, ( June 26th, A day I will forever remember) I was able to speak with him by phone. He asked me if after the test had the technician told me anything about what he saw and and I told him no. I knew by the sound of his voice I was about to get some really bad news.

He said, Tammy, I'm really sorry to have to tell you this but both of your tubes are completely blocked. I was totally shocked to say the least. I was expecting him to tell me something bad but honestly I wasn't expecting it to be that life-changing bad.

He said that this report was the last thing that he expected for me and he was completely surprised at the results of it. He said that he didn't expect it at all because we had never in the many years I have gone to him had a single issue that he thought could have caused any problem. He sounded like that he was as upset as I was. I could really tell he was disappointed for me.... for us.

I asked if the report showed him anything as to what the damage was or what had caused it. He said no that it didn't. He did tell me that this is usually caused by scar tissue, infection, cysts, or endometriosis. None of which we had had a problem with before (except the possible recent ruptured cyst on the ovary). He said it was very possible it had been that way for years. That often women have ruptured cysts, or even infections and never even know it. The body just heals them on it's own....in it's own way. Apparently, sometimes that healing makes scar tissue that can cause problems like this. :(

I asked him what our options were and he basically said that there were two things that could be done.

The 1st thing being surgery to clean out the tubes. He said that this sometimes works but not always. The surgery would only clean out the tubes for a limited period of time and then the scar tissue would come back....maybe worse because of scar tissue from the surgery too. Plus the fact that you have to wait until the tubes have time to heal before you can even try.... doesn't make this a very good option.

The 2nd thing would be in vitro fertilization. This basically involves bypassing the tubes and implanting the eggs.

Both of these options have a 40/50 % chance of working and are not covered by insurance because they are elective. The cost of either of these procedures would run about $20,000 - $40,000. A lot of money for something that has only a slim chance of working.

We talked a few more minutes and he again told me how sorry and surprised he was. He then told me to take some time to decide what I wanted to do and let them know if we wanted to proceed to the next step. He could arrange for us to meet with a fertility Doctor. With that we hung up.

I realized two things as soon as I got off the phone. 1) Never make a phone call that could potentially change your whole life while sitting at your desk at work surrounded by people who don't have a clue what's going on. And 2) Life rarely ever turns out the way you think.

I can tell you that I have never before or since felt the range of emotions that I felt in that moment. I don't know if I was more angry or sad but I do know that it didn't take long for me to ask God why things had turned out like that.

I just didn't and still don't understand why God allowed me to go through about two years of hard counsel before He changed my heart about wanting to have a child...and then over a year of trying to give us this answer of no. I STILL TO THIS DAY DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT!!!

As I sat there at my desk..... I suddenly had a thought that cut me to my core. A thought that absolutely hurt me in a place I have never been hurt. That thought was this....

How am I going to tell Sandy that I can never have his child? How on this earth will I be able to say those words to him? How do you break the heart of the person you love more than anything and take away their dream of being a daddy? I have never been more mad or hurt at God in my life than I was in that moment.

I didn't know what to do at that point. I sent an email to Sarah & Keith telling them that I had gotten bad news on that test and to please pray and keep me and Sandy covered. I told them I would tell them the results later after I talked to Sandy. I also tried but couldn't reach Dewey.

And then I started praying....and praying...and praying.

I was praying and asking God to tell me how to tell Sandy. Did I call and tell him over the phone.... did I email....because I wasn't sure I could make the words come out of my mouth. How on earth was I going to tell him.... and how was I going to get through this day? I forgot to mention that this phone call happened around 9am and it wasn't even near lunch time yet.

Within a few minutes my cell rang and it was Keith. He said, I couldn't stand it any longer...what happened and how can I help? I said I can't say because I haven't talked to Sandy yet. To which he said, Tammy, Sarah & I know what that test is for. I'm going to say that since you said it is bad news that that means it won't work. To which I started crying and softly said...it can't work. Keith, being my friend and my Pastor took a long time to counsel me and remind me of God's power in this situation. He reminded me that we had just received this news and that we didn't yet know how God would choose to redeem it. He reminded me of God's love for me and I needed to hear that....because in that moment....I wasn't happy with God at all.

After talking a few more minutes he said you have to tell Sandy in person. Can you leave and go find him and I said no. He said ok but I need you to know that you have to tell him in person even if you have to wait until this afternoon. This is your dream together and you have to tell him the result face to face. It will be better for both of you if you do and Sandy deserves that from you. I said I would and we talked a few more minutes and hung up.

The rest of the morning and afternoon was spent with a variety of emotions that I can only describe as heart wrenching. Unless you have walked in this place you really can't understand the loss you feel in that particular moment. My friend Dewey later told me it was like suffering a death. And I think that is the closest thing I can describe it as. He called it a death of a vision and Sarah later confirmed that to me also. The death of a vision is the loss of a dream or plan that you had for yourself or your life that was good but somehow not meant to be.

I had several more phone calls and emails from Keith and Sarah checking on me throughout the afternoon. They reminded me that God is bigger than test results and heartbreak. He is also the healer. I wasn't very convinced of that in those moments. I was in a place of hurt and confusion beyond what I could carry. I so badly wanted to just go and be with my honey and have him hold me. But leaving work would have made me have to explain to the whole group what had just happened.... and I sure didn't have the strength to do that. So that meant having to make it through the afternoon. Only by my friends prayers and concern...and my God holding me up did I make it until 5:00.

I then headed home to tell Sandy...

To be continued...

Tests, Tests, and more Tests....

This is a continuation of a previous post.....

In March of last year I began to have severe pain in my left kidney or ovary area. This started on a Wed. night at church. It was terrible shooting pains that would make me cringe or double over with pain. My friend Sarah noticed that I was in pain and immediately asked me what was wrong. When I showed her where I was hurting she then asked if there was any way that I could be pregnant? Not really wanting to answer that (because at that point no one even knew that we were trying except my dear friend Dewey) I just stood and looked at her blankly...or more like a deer in the headlights probably. To which she said....well, let's just say that it is possible....you could be having a tubal pregnancy....because the pain sounds similar and it hurts in the same place.

Well, as you can imagine....that scared me to no end. So all during the bible study that night that possibility was all I though about. After the bible study I told Sarah that there was a possibility of me being pregnant but please to keep that between us since no one knew about us trying at that point. I did tell her that she could tell Keith. (Keith is our Pastor and Sarah is his wife and they are both our great friends). She said she would and she and Keith became two more invaluable confidants for us on this journey.

After another day the pain eased off for a few days and then it came back with vengeance and a fever and cause to believe it was my kidneys instead anything else. I called and made an appointment with my regular family doctor...who thought immediately that I had kidney stones. We did labs and nothing showed up out of the ordinary. It did not show that I had any type of infection. However, because of the fever and where the pain was he still believed it was my kidneys. He immediately scheduled me to go the next day to Hamilton Diagnostics to have dye ran through my kidneys to see if anything showed up.

The next day I went to have this test and my sweet Sandy went with me. When I went back for the test and was in the room signing the consent form the technician asked me if there was any possibility that I could be was pregnant. Knowing that there was and not believing I had not considered the danger of this test if I was….I said yes. I thought the guy was going to fall over in the floor at my answer. He said, well, this dye is radiation….and so before we do it we need to have you do a pregnancy test.

So I got dressed again and went to their lab and had blood drawn to be tested. This blood work had to be taken to the hospital to be tested since they needed to know the answer right away. If you ever wonder what a blood test at the hospital costs…this one test was $144 ….. Anyway, after they took the blood work I went back to the waiting room to wait for the results. This was stressful because by then my phone was ringing with my family wanting to check and see how it went..... and I couldn't / wasn't about to tell them I was waiting on a pregnancy test before I could even do the test.... so I just had to stall them which wasn't fun. I will say that my friends Dewey, Sarah, and Keith all called to check on me too...and I did at least have them praying for me as I waited. Best of all...my Sandy was right there with me. Finally, about an hour later the results came back negative and I had the test done on my kidneys and we went home.

The next day we went back to my doctor for the results. The test showed nothing in my kidneys and my Doctor asked me if I thought I had passed it the night before the test? I didn't think so but I still don't really know.

This pain continued to bother me off and on over the next few weeks and I began to wonder if something else was going on. Most likely a cyst on the ovary causing the pain. So I made an appointment with my GYN Dr. Stuckey to get everything checked out.

At the appointment with Dr. Stuckey everything appeared to be the norm. He did think that the pain was caused by a ruptured cyst that was on the ovary. He wasn't very concerned about that because he said they are very common and can cause a lot of pain but they are generally not dangerous.

So after discussing that I told him we were trying to conceive and not having any luck. I think that he was surprised at that revelation since he has been my doctor for many years and never heard me mention anything about kids. He said he was excited for us and that he hoped that everything would work out. He then suggested that we do some additional blood work to make sure all my levels were normal and that we didn't have any problems there. Everything came back normal.

We discussed a few things and he suggested that I start taking prenatal vitamins and come back in about a month. He did point out to me that on this particular day that my blood pressure was very high (160/90 I think) and that he wanted me to keep up with that daily for the next month. He and I both figured that this might be stress related with all that was going on but he wanted to be sure.

In April I went back for our next appointment.....still no luck. We did some addition blood tests on this day.....which again came back normal levels. My blood pressure was almost back in the normal range so we decided we were just going to keep an eye on it and see how it went. We scheduled another appointment in another month.


In May we still hadn't had any luck and so Dr. Stuckey suggested we move to two more extensive tests. First we had to get Sandy checked out and that came back fine. So the next was a test for me called a Hysteroscopy. This test involved having a dye ran through the tubes to see if they were blocked. We scheduled this test for June 5th.

On June 5th, I went back to Hamilton Diagnostics to have this test done. Sandy wasn't able to go with me this time as he was with his mom as she was having heart by-pass surgery this same day. So I went by myself. This time I knew I wasn't pregnant so no more $144 pregnancy tests on this day. This test involved having a dye ran through the tubes while the radiologist watched the dye on a computer screen to see if it was able to pass through the tubes. There was a computer screen up by my head that also allowed me to watch the dye and my insides on a screen and see what was going on. That was pretty neat to watch and I think I could tell by seeing where the dye stayed that we had a problem.

This test really hurt a lot but thankfully it didn't take but about 30 minutes. When it was finished I was allowed to go home. I got calls from those who knew I was having the test before I even reached home checking on me. That was a blessing.

When I got home I crashed for a few hours and then we headed out to a wedding renewal of two special friends. I was in a lot of pain but we had a great time. The couple glasses of wine probably helped....

We wouldn't find out the results of this test for 3 weeks. So again....we waited.

To be continued...

Trying....Well, This Should Be Fun.....

Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to this blog. There is a lot going on in my life right now and it is sometimes hard to sit and try to put my thoughts into words.

Well...again....excuse me if I say anything that offends anyone...... I said I was going to be real and I'm trying to do that without going to far. This is our experience.

So we finally made the decision to try to have a baby.... and we got started on that right away : ) ... So if any of you have known me for more than an hour....you know that my primary love language is physical touch and that I make no excuse or bones about that. I love all of the physical stuff.... hugs, cuddling, and that other good stuff too. I could very easily be a guy when it comes to sex....except.....well....I'm not. This is just who I am and that is who God made me to be. If you want to show me that you love me a good tender hug will take you a long way..... ALL that other stuff though belongs only to Sandy.

But I digress. So we, like most, thought this part would be easy....and fun. And for a while it was.

When you are trying to have a baby you at first don't really put a lot of thought into the planning of it. You just as Nike would say..... "Just do it". You enjoy the freedom of using no protection and the excitement of just being together whenever you want.

However, as times passes and you are not getting the results that you want you have to start looking a little ... well, a lot closer at the technical timing of being together. You see...there is an optimum time of the month that you are most likely to be able to conceive. A window of about a weeks time at which you are most likely to be able to be able to make a baby.

I will tell you that we hated this part of trying with a passion. There is nothing like being on a schedule to take the romance out of the most intimate part of your life. We really hated this part so much. As much as we love being together, to have to look at calendars and timing and predictors..... romance quickly goes out the window and making love becomes a task to do. That is something that it should never be. Emotionally this was very difficult for both of us.

There are a lot of emotions that go into trying to start a family. There is the joy of thinking about what will happen when you find out you are pregnant. There is the joy of thinking about telling your family and your friends that you are going to have a baby. The thoughts about baby names. The question of will it be a boy or a girl....or in my family the possibility of twins.

There are also a lot of emotions that go into wondering why it's not working. Like... I wonder what the problem is? Is it time for tests? What does that involve? What if it's him? How do I tell him it doesn't matter? What if it's me? How do I tell him? Am I enough? Are we enough together?

It's really difficult to have these kind of things on your heart and spirit day after day....week after week....and even month after month. There is a constant reminder ever single month to tell you that all that you have done....has not worked.

And it didn't.

The story continues.......

A Walk By The River

The Story Continues..... (See the three blog posts from October to catch the beginning of this story....or if you haven't read it since then you may want to re-read it just to refresh your memory). This is a real in progress story and I have promised to be real and honest as I share my feelings. If I offend anyone with what I say along the way I ask that you forgive me and try to understand where I / Sandy are walking right now. This is our story.

A Walk By The River.....

Have you ever had one of those days when you know something big is coming and yet the words just won't come out of your mouth to acknowledge it? A day that your spirit senses that your whole world is about to change? It was a day like that that we first began to try to have a child.

For a few months we had been talking back and forth about having children and if it was in the plans for us. We didn't really know what we were going to do or what God wanted us to do. We had concerns about our ages....specifically mine and any health issues that might arise from that. We knew that with me having just turned 40 that there was going to be a higher risk associated with that to both me and a child. But I guess in the end we knew that if God was strong enough to change my heart about having children (He was!) that He would certainly be strong enough to protect them and me from any danger.

I don't think that we ever consciously said out loud that any particular day would be the day we would start trying. I think after all the years it had taken to get to this place that the pressure of saying this will be the day would have been a bit overwhelming. I guess we both knew within us that we would know when that day had arrived....and we did : )

I remember that day just like it was yesterday. It was a beautiful fall day and we were headed to Gatlinburg for a long weekend of enjoying the Christmas lights and visiting Dollywood . It was one of those days when everything you see catches your attention and you see beauty everywhere you look. We had a late check-in time so we took our time getting there and drove in along the river road. The sun was shining and the river was sparkling like thousands of beautiful diamonds. We were captured by the beauty around us and decided to stop and walk down by the river and take some pictures.

Everywhere we looked we saw God's glory and magnificence. In some places the water was running briskly over the rocks and driftwood making beautiful waterfalls and cascades. In other places the water was as calm and smooth as glass. The trees all around us were still displaying their beautiful fall colors as the sun smiled down through the trees onto the water. The picturesque curvy mountain road touched with colorful fallen leaves completed the whole beautiful picture.

It was an afternoon of enjoying Gods beauty and of also feeling His presence within you and around you. It was a day that my spirit sensed something big was coming our way. We had an intimate time of just being quiet together and enjoying God’s creation. I had a knowing feeling deep within me that this day would hold something special that would forever change who we were as a couple.

After several stops along the way we finally made it to Gatlinburg and our condo. What a nice place with a wonderful mountain view. God was really working overtime on showing us beauty and on calling in the romance….

We went to dinner at Calhoun’s for BBQ and enjoyed having time to sit and talk and watch the Christmas lights through the windows. After dinner we drove around Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge and enjoyed the lights. (If you have never seen the lights in Gatlinburg and Pigeon Forge at Christmas it is well worth the drive to check them out. They are beautiful!!) After that we drove back to the condo and relaxed.

The rest of the evening I won’t talk about except to say…. It was wonderful and when it came time to make a decision ….the decision was already settled in both of our minds that this was our time. And….that’s all I’m going to say about that…..

The next morning we went to Dollywood and spent the day having fun and celebrating being together and being in love. We had taken a big step in our relationship. It had taken 14 years to get there and the bond we felt on that day was deeper than it had ever been. There would no longer ever be any barriers between us...no longer anything held back.

Our lives and our relationship had forever changed in a single moment. We just had no idea how much.

To be continued.....

Tammy

p.s. For all of you who thought I was going to say that we fooled around down by the river....SHAME ON YOU .... :) ... it was just too cold.......haha

A Fresh Start

Happy New Year!!!

Isn’t it great to start a new year? To be given a clean slate….to leave the past behind….to start over completely fresh.

I love it! Starting over soothes the soul in a way that few things can.

I can tell you that I have never been happier to start a new year than this one. This last year has been the hardest year of my life. I have struggled with my life, my faith, my spirit, and with my God. I have hurt in places that I never even knew existed in me. I have questioned who God is, what His motives are, and why that He has allowed such pain and confusion into my life. It is the most lost that I have ever felt in my Christian walk.

I could go into what that is all about but I will just say it like this. This past year we lost one of the greatest dreams that God had ever put into our hearts and soon after that we lost one of the greatest joys the God had ever brought to our life. To say it was a tough year is a complete understatement.

I have never experienced a time in my life where I have been more filled with confusion and hurt and questions that just have no answers than in the last year. It has been a life changing experience and I will never be the person that I was six months ago.

Have you ever noticed that when you are in a crisis that it completely steals your focus away from everything else? Trust me when I say that it does :) A great friend of mine recently told me that I needed to take a step back from all I was looking at. He said that I was standing so close that all I could see was the problem. In essence....that meant that even though God wasn't answering my questions to my liking.....or on my time table.....that I was so absorbed in the problem that I couldn't even see the things that God was doing.

So I've taken some time....I've stepped back the best that I could... and I have reflected on the last year....AND..... I have seen God's hand in action all along the way. I want to tell you a couple of things that I learned during this time of reflection.

The most important thing that I can tell you that I saw is this…. GOD NEVER LEAVES!!! . I mean He never leaves ..... Ever! When I questioned Him.... He listened. When I yelled at Him (Yes, I have)...He smiled. When I walked away....He followed. When I doubted...He was visible. When I cried..... He drew near. No matter what I did..... He stood right beside me and He never ever left.

The second thing is this. No matter what is going on in my life God is still God. He loves me, wants only the best for me, and He will work this out for my good in His perfect time. Just because I may not be getting answers or seeing things through God’s eyes does not mean that His plan is not already in action every single minute.

All that being said, I’ve given myself a fresh start with this New Year. I’ve laid down the last year’s hurts, disappointments, questions, fears, anger, confusion, and worries. That doesn’t mean I am over the things that have happened or that I won’t ever pick those things up again. What it means is this. I have put all these things back in God’s hands where they belong and I have started fresh once again. It may not be God’s will that I ever know the answers I’ve been seeking….but it is always His will for Him to take care of me. That is more than enough.

Friends, Will you join me in starting fresh with God this year? Will you take some time to reflect and see God’s hand working in your life? It’s time to make a choice. It’s time to lay it all down to the one that it belongs to in the first place. Will you lay down the hard things that you have been carrying over the last year…..years? Will you give it to Him and leave it in His hands and trust that He will make something beautiful of it in His perfect time? It’s time to give it back to Him. We were never meant to carry it in the first place.

Please join me. I know it won’t be easy. I will struggle to hold onto the past and the questions that I have. So will you. But it’s time to let the weight of all that go. Our Father loves us. It is not His will for us to carry the things that we don’t understand. It is not His will for us to feel brokenhearted, or guilty, or unloved, or misunderstood. It is His desire to walk with us the hard things of our life….and to carry the things that we don’t have the strength or knowledge to understand.

Let’s lay it down guys. Give Him our burdens, our past, and our future. Lay it down! Accept the freedom He gives. It will change us forever if we will but trust Him to do what is already His nature to do. That is to take perfect care of us. There is nothing He wants to do more.

Lay it down! Then look up and watch to see what He does. We are going to be amazed!!

Blessings and Peace and Freedom in the New Year!

Love,

Tammy

Merry Christmas

We wish you a very Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year.

May Christ be real to you this Christmas season and always.

Love, Tammy & Sandy

Nipper's with Jesus

On Nov. 25th our beloved Nipper went home to be with Jesus.

He fought a hard battle with kidney failure but in the end we saw that he could not win. He showed Sandy and I in his own way that he was ready to go home to be with Jesus. Out of our love for him we allowed him to go home with our blessing and many tears.

Nipper went home peacefully surrounded by his momma and his daddy and his beloved vet Dr. Moore. He just closed his eyes and woke up in heaven. He is no longer hurting, nor sick, nor is he hungry. He has been perfectly restored to wholeness and happiness. He will never hurt in any way ever again.

Nipper was buried by my family under his favorite tree in our back yard. His body is protected in a small little casket with it's own vault. He is forever safe and resting in a wonderful sun spot. His spirit, however, is with Jesus and he will be playing ball and chasing squirrels until we make it home to meet him.

We dearly miss our boy. He was the joy of our home for 12 years and the loss we are feeling cannot be put into words. We see and miss his presence in every room of our home. His loss for us is like the loss of a child....because he filled that roll for us for many years.

Please keep us in your prayers as we grieve and process this loss. We know that God was greatly merciful to us and saved Nipper's life many times over during the years. We believe that this was Nipper's time to go home and we are not hurt or angry at God in any way. God even worked out the timing of his home going and for that we are truly thankful. But the pain we are feeling is very great.

Please pray for us and all those who have suffered losses this holiday season. It is a sad time to lose anyone that you love.

Thank you for all your prayers for Nipper and for us as he was fighting his battle. We can never express to you how much it meant to our hearts.

Blessings to all,

Tammy

p.s. Nipper.....momma and daddy miss you with all our hearts. You fought like the warrior that you always were. Jesus just needed you to come home and play in heaven for awhile. Keith said he got a vision of you sitting in the lap of Jesus getting a good petting. You deserve that because you were our good boy who loved us with everything in you. We miss your wagging tail and having you sleep and lay on us all the time. We miss our snuggle time, puppy kisses, and your big boy bark. I miss our swing time, mailbox walk, and watching you play ball and tug with daddy. We also miss those pretty sparkling brown eyes. We miss all of it my little man dog.... but most of all we just miss the feeling of completeness that you brought to our lives.

We will always think of you at 10:00 snack time.

We are glad you are well!!! Perfectly whole never to hurt or take another pill again : ) Have fun little boy.....play hard, run, bark.....and catch those squirrels. AND EAT ALL YOU WANT.....

We will see you again someday. Look for us at the gate.

Love always,

Momma & Daddy

Nipper

Right now Nipper is in the process of battling kidney failure. Please keep him and us in your prayers. It is a daily battle that with God's help and the prayers of our friends we hope to help him win.

Please keep him in your prayers that his kidney blood levels will go back down to normal. Please pray that he will have an appetite and not lose any more weight and that he will be able to take the medications that he needs to take.

Please pray for peace and perseverance for all three of us.

We love our fur child and want him to be perfectly healed. Please join us in prayer for his life.

Love & Thanks,

Tammy & Sandy

P.S. The other in process story will continue to be told once we are in a better place with Nipper.

A Change Of Heart

I wish that I could say that God changed my heart about having a family as quickly as He did about having a husband. But alas, No, it took many years.

My Sandy loves children. He always has. He is so good with them and they love him. I have many times throughout the years wondered how one gets to feel that way about children. I mean ... I just didn't understand it...because there was nothing in me that ever felt that way. It's not that I had any bad feelings towards children...it's just that there was nothing in me that ever said.... I want one of those....at least not seriously or for very long.

Sometimes I felt like the Grinch....my heart about that was three sizes to small.

About four years ago God decided it was time to start working on changing my heart about having children. It all began with a phone call asking if I would teach the 3-4 year old's class on a Wed. night because the teacher was going to be out. Now to most people that would have been an easy job to do....but for me it was the last thing I wanted to do on a Wed. night or any other time. But God knowing that there was no way that I could or would say no to my dear friend Jo...started the change in my heart right here.

It wasn't long until I was co-teaching this little class on Wed. nights. I am going to be honest and say that a lot of the time I didn't like doing it at all. However, there were always those times when those little kids would look at me and my heart would melt and I would think....hum...they are so darn cute : 0)

As time went on God really began to convict my heart on where I was with the family thing. I really felt like I was letting Sandy down. He never made me feel that way at all. I was just becoming more and more aware that my heart was in the wrong place.

I began to really look at the deeper issues of why I felt the way I did. I had always had an idea what it was all about. I just didn't know how to get to the core of it. I talked to my good friend Dewey, who was my Pastor at the time. Dewey suggested that I go see a counselor and try to get to the bottom of the issue. Being the stubborn woman that I am I told him I would not and could not go spill my guts to someone I did not know. Well, Dewey being Dewey and one of the few people in my life that I let tell me what to do said....then you will talk to me about this. Be in my office at 5:15 on Tuesday. That was the beginning of many meetings, emails, and hours of long and often heart wrenching talks to finally find the bottom of this heart issue.

It didn't take Dewey or I long to figure out where the lack of desire for children came from. Dewey is an awesome counselor and he knew the right questions to ask. He asked me all the hard questions and he kept asking until I answered every single one from the very depth of my heart. Because of the trust that he and I share I was able to completely share my heart and my life story with him. In the end...over about a two year period....God did two amazing things for me. He gave me one of the dearest friends of my life and He gave me the desire to have a family.

I am not going to go into the issues that we found out or why they effected me the way that they did. Those things are deeply personal and will be told only on a one on one basis.

I do want you to know that the reason I never wanted to have children has never had anything to do with Sandy. Sandy is the greatest gift from God I have ever been blessed with. He is an incredible man who loves God and he loves me. His heart belongs to me and mine belongs to him and the love we share is the definition of true love to me. He is my best friend, my lover, and the keeper of my heart. My love for Sandy is the only reason I ever wanted God to change my heart about having a family.

Next up.....A Walk By The River

The Story Begins......

This story....like most good or bad stories should start at the beginning..... but this story actually starts somewhere around the beginning . Sometimes there is a story within a story and that is what you are going hear in this post. My part of a story within a much bigger story that is not mine to tell.

I think I was around 16 the first time I realized I didn't want to have a family. I'm not talking about parents or siblings or the immediate type family. I'm talking about not wanting to have a future with a husband.....children.... white picket fence... not even a ....DOG family. I was at a point in my life where I really felt insecure about the whole idea of family. My family had recently went through the pains of a divorce. Being the youngest child I spent my time going back and forth between my parents. Even though I was greatly supported and loved and always taken care of I never really felt like I belonged anywhere. I had a lot of trust issues. I put up a lot of walls and and barriers between myself and most people. I pretty much felt like I could stand on my own. With the exception of some really close friends, relationships were not something that I put a lot of stock or effort into.

As I continued to grow up and move forward in my life these feelings really didn't change much for a really long time. I had become a very independent do things my way type person. I had a pretty tough exterior and it took a really long time for me to let people get close to me. I can say though that if you made it through that tough exterior you had the most loyal of friend in me.

I know looking back now as an adult that all of that was just a way of protecting myself from getting hurt.... or from self perceived hurt. I knew and realized many times that the feelings that I had were not what my Heavenly Father wanted for my future....but I just didn't know how to or want to lay them down after so many years.

So my Heavenly Father sent me the one I needed to tear the walls down.

The turning point in my life is meeting up again with my Sandy. Sandy has been my friend since I was in the 8th grade. He was my friend when all the stable consistent things in my life fell apart. He was always there with a tender hug and a loving heart when this lost little girl needed him.

Sandy and I meet up again after losing touch for several years when I was in college and he was working in Atlanta. We happened (really it was a God ordained meeting) to both be home for the weekend and visiting our childhood church when we found each other again. That became a life changing moment for both of us. It was the beginning of a great love story and it was the beginning of teaching my heart what the love of a man and family are all about.

I said before I was tough and had a tough exterior.... but it only took a few phone calls and one incredible date to know that Sandy was my soul mate and that he would be my forever love. In fact, God told me at the end of our first date that I would marry Sandy. Seven months later we were engaged and 10 months after that we were married. Sandy is my very best friend and the true love of my life. He has consistently loved me, prayed for me, taken care of me, and taught me who God is and what the love of a man is all about. His love for me has taught me that trust is real and that walls come down when love overcomes fear.

It's been over 16 years since God changed my heart about having a husband....it took many many more years before He began to change my heart about having a family.


The story continues......

WE ARE ABOUT TO GET REAL

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are real?" said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

(Taken from "The Velveteen Rabbit" )

Sometimes being Real hurts. Sometimes it really hurts a lot. But being real makes you beautiful inside and out. Becoming real for me is and has been a really hard road. Being real means becoming who and what God wants me to be even when I don't understand Him or the process to get there. Being real means seeing myself truly the way I am and hopefully by the time I become completely "real" I will see myself as He really sees me and I will see Him as He really is.

I am about to get really real with all of you on this blog. I am going to tell you the story of great growth and great pain. This will be an on going story and the moods will change as often as the pages of a good book. It won't always be easy to read. It may often be painful in fact. But it will be very very real and it will be the complete truth of how God is growing me and making me the woman he wants me to be.

Please understand as we go along and you read this in process story that I am not looking for your sympathies. I do not expect you to have the answers I am looking for. I know that those answers will only come from God in His perfect time. I am going to write this story to help bring healing to myself and hopefully to others as the story unfolds. In the end may we all look back and see what God has done and give Him great glory because we have all become a little more real and because as is His promise.....He worked it all out for our good.

Come back soon and hold on tight .... the story is about to begin......

Friends

I'm Blessed!

There is just no doubt in my mind that I am blessed beyond measure.

I've been thinking over the last few days that I have some of the most amazing friends a person could ever ask for. I struggle to even put into words how totally overwhelmed I am by the blessing that I receive every single day of my life by my incredible friends.

The thing is they are such a wide range of people and they cover a wide range of age groups and social status....and yet....they all fill a perfect niche in my life. Each and ever single one of you teach me the meaning of love, grace, truth, laughter, joy, peace, commitment, faithfulness, and I could just go on and on.

My friends are my rocks. They stand beside me when my world is full of peace and joy...and they stand beside me when my heart is broken beyond words. They love me in the laughter and they love me in the silence. They know my heart and I know theirs.

Recently, Sandy and I have been going through a difficult time in our life. Not anything that is an issue between he and I but something that is difficult that we are going through together. Our friends have just been amazing. The time and the prayers and the love they have poured into us has held us up when we could not stand on our own. Their love has and is helping us persevere in a way we could have never done without their strength.

I have just been amazed at the people God has sent to us to share our lives. Whether it be long time friends who have been in our lives for years or new friends who already hold deep and special places in our hearts... I am just amazed at the blessings God has bestowed upon our lives.

I have never been happier with the friends that share my life than I am at this time in my life. I am secure in knowing that whatever I face I will never walk alone. That is a blessing beyond description and a peace that can't be explained.

I just wanted to say I'm thankful for all of you. Each and every one of you make my heart happy and my life complete.

Thank you for your love and support and for all that you teach me each and every day.

I love you beyond words,

Tammy

Unexpected Answers

This is the latest writing to the Sunday Prayer team at EMC.


Good Morning friends,

Have you ever had your own words come back and bite you really good?

I don't mean just a little nip....but a bite so bad you probably need stitches? Well, that just happened to me. I just finished reading over the last thing I wrote to you which was about waiting.... and I think I need stitches.

Let me refresh your memory for a moment. I've been waiting for the answer to something for a long time now. It has been a tough time of waiting, seeking, whining, waiting, listening, and waiting. I told you some of the things that I have been learning in my waiting time...such as.... I'm not ready for the answer, waiting for the best takes time, He is renewing my strength - preparing me for the answer, and that all the pieces are not yet in place and I'm not seeing the whole picture.

All of that being said...I have made this statement. I will take whatever answer you give God....I just want an answer. Famous last words......

Several days ago I got my answer. If you look closely you can probably see the blood flow from there. What I mean is this...the answer was not at all what I expected and it cut me to my core. I'm talking complete and utter surprise, shock, hurt, disappointment, confusion, and pain. Do you hear what I'm saying? It was an answer I was not in the least bit prepared for. I've always heard God answers....yes, no, and not right now...... This is one of those answers that is not completely a no...but definitely a no to it working out according to MY plans.

So...now what? What do I do now that I have the answer and it's not the answer that I wanted? The truth is that I just do not have a clue. I'm at an utter loss at what to do at this point. I am doing all the usual things that you should do when you find yourself in a place like this. I've placed myself under the direction of my spiritual authorities and those who know and understand my heart the very best. There is a time of prayer, reflection, and direction seeking going on. But when it comes to me doing something I'm at a complete loss at the moment. In all truth, my heart is so hurt and confused that this prayer warrior can hardly even pray. However, one thing seems abundantly clear to me already...I am now in another period of waiting.

So here I am again...waiting. Waiting for direction, waiting for answers, waiting on Him. You see, the thing is this. Just because I now have an answer to what I was waiting on....that does not mean that His answer for me is complete. I had a plan for the way I thought things were going to work out and now I know that was not His plan. That means one of two things...that door is now closed...or He will answer in another way that will be better for me. So.... I wait.

Friends, I say all of that to say this. I take His answer. I have not and will not back up from that. I have not lost my faith and I am not angry at God. I am wounded and my heart hurts deeply. I'm disappointed and yet.....I CHOOSE HIM!! I CHOOSE HIM OVER MY WILL. My Father, my daddy, my God, always knows what is the best thing for me. Even beyond that He wants what is best for me. In this time of confusion... when I don't know what to do or what He is going to do .... I TRUST HIM!!! I TRUST HIM WITH ME.

It all comes down to this. I'm His. Sold out. Even when I don't understand His hand or see the plan He has for me...I'm His. I trust Him to bring me His best even if the road to get there is sometimes painful.

It's like Keith said last Sunday, we have to give it all up to Him. Let go of the 10% (or more ) that we hold onto. Lay it down. We cannot hold onto the things that hurt us or disappoint us without becoming slaves to them. If we are slaves to them we are not free to live Him.

I don't know if any of you are where I am right now or if you have been here before. If not, I can unfortunately assure you that at some point you will be in a place just like this. A place where you don't understand His answer or know what the next step is. I want to tell you even now that our God is real. He draws near when we hurt and He whispers peace beyond our understanding. He places the flicker of hope in our heart that grows into a mighty flame of expectation as we begin to look to Him for the next step, the next vision, the next dream. Because there always is one and His is always the best.

Things don't always turn out like we plan. That does not mean that they won't turn out even more perfectly ... in a different way. God is the master planner and His plan is always for our good. He has promised us a future and a hope. I'm trusting Him to bring it altogether for my life.

Will you trust Him with the best for your life too?

GROWING IS HARD

I don't know about you, but I think growing up is hard. Growing in Christ is even harder.

Lately, I've been really struggling with knowing what to do with the things that God gives me or teaches me. You see, over the last three or four years God has been majorly at work in my life. He has grown me up more in these last few years than in all my 34 years as a Christian. That's saying a lot isn't it? It makes me wonder what I was doing before.

In the last few years, God has taught me so much about who He is and who I am. I have learned that you grow a great deal when you are struggling. It seems to be where I learn the most from Him. It seems there have been so many struggles that have come into my life that involve family, friends, church, work, and people that I don't even know. God has taken me from being a bench warmer to being a prayer warrior and it seems in no time flat. He has changed me from the inside out and I am and never will be .... who I was.

I like the fact that God is growing me so very much, but I have to be completely honest and say... Growing is HARD!!!! I want so much to be a mighty warrior for God. I really do try to do my best... at least most of the time. However, I have to say that changing is hard and being changed by the great hand of the universe is even harder.

Lately God has really been dealing with me about my life and who I am for Him. You see, I've always been this really independent person who stands on her own two feet. I feel like most of the time I know exactly what I need to do to take care of me. That usually involves doing just what I want when I want. To say that I'm stubborn is a great understatement.

God has really been showing me that I need a change of mind set. That in essence means, I need to set my mind to the things that are of Him and Him alone. I need to live a life of holiness, honor, and respect for who He is and for who He has called me to be. I need to be intentional with how I live my life....every single day.

Simple huh? Not at all. Necessary? Absolutely! I guess I'm becoming more and more aware that people watch my life and how I live. A few years ago if someone judged my life I would have quickly told them my thoughts on their opinions. It would have been ugly. Sandy has said more than once that I have no tact at all. Unfortunately, that is so true. But now my thoughts just might be that their opinions could be right (could be.....) and probably are. My thoughts about representing Him are daily, almost moment by moment, changing the way that I live and think.

I think that our time left on this earth is short friends. I think that I can no longer have the mentality that my life is all about me. God is constantly calling me to be a representative of Him in all that I do. He is constantly showing me, usually very quickly, where I make the wrong call or make the wrong decision. It's hard and it often hurts. It hurts when you fail the one you love doesn't it? People are watching me (all of us) every single day. Every single day, someone is looking to see Him in me or looking for me to fail Him. Every single day, I seem to do both.

My life seems to be a constant battle between living a life that is representative of Him and living the life that is representative of me and my world. Every single day, I struggle to do the right thing or things. Every single day, He sends me challenges to stretch me, to grow me, and to show me that He expects more of me than I even knew I could give. Every single day, He opens my eyes a little more to who He is. Every single day, He grows me in Him. EVERY SINGLE DAY, IT IS HARD TO LET GO OF ME AND LIVE HIM.

I think growth is a constant state of change. Growing is never finished. We grow by the encounters that we face every single day. Life grows us in good ways and hard ways and sometimes in painfully unbearable ways. Whatever these encounters are we grow. If we allow ourselves to look deeper at our circumstances, our lives, our world, we will see Jesus. If we grow enough.... others will see Jesus in us.

The challenges that cause growth show us Jesus in a deeper way. They make us keep our eyes on Him and they form a intimate relationship between Him and us. All of the struggles are worth it in the end because we become more like Him. In becoming more like Him we show the world who He is by the lives that we live. When the world sees Jesus in us... lives are forever changed...theirs and ours...and He is forever honored.

Growing is still really hard though.....................

The Prayer Warrior Gets Some Beautiful Armor

Have you ever received a gift that just touched you to your very soul? I got one of the most touching and amazing gifts I have ever received in my life this past weekend.

Most of you know that over the last two or three years God has really turned me into a heavy duty prayer warrior for him. Now before you think that I am bragging let me say right up front that I am not. What I mean to say is that God has captured my heart in such a way that my life is an ongoing prayer re pore with him. Often even when I am sleeping he is talking to my spirit. It is both a wonderful and difficult thing for me. Wonderful in that I love the time that we get to spend talking with each other. It is personal and it is tender and life changing. It is difficult in that I often learn and hear more than I know what to do with or how to process. I am very often in way over my head.

I have been blessed to be able to head up our prayer team at EMC for the last couple of years. These are a group of amazing people and God uses them to teach me and his church just how powerful the power of prayer is. We have seen incredible things happen because of their dedication and prayers. I have been blessed to work prayer on a Tres Dias weekend. I saw lives change including mine because of that privilege. I have been blessed to pray in many wonderful and amazing and extremely difficult situations. I am by no means a master.... but prayer is the greatest calling of my heart.

The reason I say all of that is because you need to understand how very much prayer is my life to understand how much this gift touched me to my soul. I am by no means a materialistic person. Having and giving things really does not impress me very much. The kind of gifts that I like to receive are gifts that I know someone really thought who I am before they bought or made them. Those are the kind of gifts that show it was about blessing me and not just about giving a gift.

My friend Beth gave me an incredibly gift this past weekend. She has been working on it for over a year. It is only the second time I ever remember receiving a gift that touched me so deeply that it brought tears to my eyes and left me speechless. I still am emotional just thinking and looking at this gift.

Beth gave me a tallit. A prayer shawl. Armor for the prayer warrior to wear when she is in deep prayer and mighty warfare. She made it herself and she had Tamara's mom-in-law monagram it with the words I usually always sign my writings to the prayer team with " Love, Pray, Serve" along with a cross and the words "Our Father" written around the shoulders. It is the most beautiful prayer shawl I have ever seen.

This gift honored me by celebrating one the greatest loves of my life....Prayer.

I had to publically thank her and I had to show you this beautiful gift she blessed me with. It will have a place of honor in my prayer room at home and it will get used often.

Thank you Beth. You blessed me by knowing what the greatest love of my heart is. I love you dearly! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. It touched me to the depth of my soul.

Check out this beautiful gift. The pictures don't do it justice.

Tammy

P.S. I love all of you!!! Blessings and Merry Christmas!!!

My Tallit Prayer Shawl

Pray like this... Our Father....

Make a difference. Love, Pray, Serve

Happy Birthday Nipper And Happy Fall Y'all

Nipper's 11th Birthday

Well, I finally decided to come back an revisit my lonely blog. I would like to thank whoever got me hooked on FaceBook for the fact that my blog is getting ignored. FaceBook is addictive and if anyone asks you to join....shut your computer down and run away as quickly as you can.....Just kidding! I've been busy and not taken any time to write and I'm way behind on my updates. This blog is about Fall and Nipper's birthday. There are many more things to come soon .....I hope.

Have you been enjoying the fall this year? I have just been mesmerized by the foliage. It has been so beautiful that I have taken to keeping my camera in the car so I can take some pictures along the way. Everywhere I go I am just taken in by the beautiful colors. It makes me realize what a masterful artist our Heavenly Father is.

Here are a few photos of the fall colors in my neighborhood.

Our house in the sunlight

Isn't that pretty?

These maples are beautiful every year

Nipper in my birthday present...a new swing

Yesterday was Nipper's 11th birthday and I just want to say what all of you already know...I love my little guy with all my heart and I'm very thankful for him!!! He has had a rough year this past year and I am thankful that God allowed him to get better and allowed me keep him a while longer. I appreciate every single day!

Below are some pictures of Nipper with his new bone and toy. He was very excited. You can say to Nipper...I have a "present" for you and he gets so excited and starts jumping up and down. He knows exactly what that word means. (Could be cause he gets lots of presents....).

Can I bite this?

Tasty!

Tennis ball barbell....a good workout!

Nipper's new bone

Chewing away...

Look for a blog on my birthday beach trip in the near future.


Tammy